Agate's Pen

Harvest festival

2010-10-29T22:37:00.000-07:00

So Mabon was the time for the annual Pagan Pride Event in fair Oaks, Ca. Once again held at the VFW, it had ssome new stuff and returning favorites as well.

I thought I was going to Harvest Festival alone this year, but a friend and her friend joined me for part of the day. This one was a bit more lively than the last one I went to and I enjoyed myself.

This is camera-shy Camille.

And this is Camille's friend, Marissa, doing a little "sword" fighting.

There was a role playing battle group there teaching, demonstrating, and inviting others to join them in their weekly games.

They go into battle with each other using foam covered sticks. There are rules for not hurting each other and how you "die" in the game. Everyone seemed to be having fun, especially the little girls. It seemed the smaller the female, the fiercer and more determined the warrior. You had to keep an eye on those bloodthirsty little girls.

A ritual was held while I was there, but I was too far away to see everything they did. The moon and stars fire-pit was their's.

This little girl was dancing later on to a drumming group.

But my favorite part was, as always, the fire dancers. I often go just so I can see them perform. The hula-hoop on fire was new.

Mother Nature through the lens

2009-11-19T20:19:00.000-08:00

I just felt like putting up pictures today. Goddess Bless.

Goodbye Grandma

2009-11-09T15:28:00.000-08:00

On October 1 my grandmother, Alma, died. I took care of her the past few years and I find it strange for her to be gone. Even though I had to go to the nursing home to visit her since we had to move her there in January, I can still feel the hole in my life her passing has left.

I did however, deal with her death better than my father's. She was 91 years old and I did as much as I could to make her last years good ones. I wish I could have extended her independence more though. I think, in many ways, the loss of her independence aided her decline, but she also had alzheimers and there was no way around it. When we realized she would wander away from her apartment, we moved her into my mother's house, but with the tall steps into both front and back doors, Grandma couldn't go out on her own. She couldn't see well enough to do the dishes. She felt very useless, I think.

And then there were her seizures. We never did find out what exactly caused them, but they were getting worse and she wasn't recovering quickly. The last one she had at the house was so bad I was faced with the fact we could no longer care for her. So we had to put her in a home. It was a nice place, not the horrible kinds where there is neglect and abuse, Live Oak Manor had kind and loving CNAs who took care of her, encouraged her to walk when she didn't want to, put up with her ornery behavior, and cared about her when we weren't there. But at the same time, she lost even more of her own decision making rights and I watched her decline in spirit.

She had another seizure a few weeks before she died, and at first she was responsive, would eat and talk a little though she didn't open her eyes. But eventually, she stopped eating. We had made the decision, based upon an the Power of Attorney, my dad had for when he cared for her, not to have feeding tubes or extend her life beyond what is natural. We saw her a few hours before she died.

My Grandma was raised by a strong mother who worked hard to support not only her many children but their deadbeat father as well. She loved to travel (I wish I could have taken her to New York, it was one place she wanted to see, but never got to) loved fishing, her house in the mountains, sewing her clothes (she made my eighth grade graduation dress) her flower garden and the deer that ate her rasberries. She liked cowboy movies, Walker, Texas Ranger on TV, and Louis L'Amour books. I was "her girl". I miss her so much.

To cut funeral costs we did a lot of things ourselves, including designing her folders (those little handouts you get at funerals) with two pictures of her on the outside, instead of the generic choices we had at the funeral parlor. She was cremated and placed into a box my sister had covered with brocade fabric. We even put together our own sign in book for the funeral out of a pretty scrapbook, papers, some stamps with copper ink, and as many My Mom and sister were apprehensive at first about this DIY form of funeral, but in the end it was something we were not only proud of, but Grandma would have appreciated as well.

I honored her on Samhain and I remember her here where anyone can see it.

Happy Journeys Grandma. I love you and miss you. "Your Girl" Mindy.

Picture details:
*Grandma's 91st birthday. I crocheted her that cupcake, she loved sweets a lot.
*Grandma and mt Grandfather, Mervin, who died about ten years ago. They are buried together in Colusa now.
*This was the last picture I took of her. We were watching TV in the day room and she was sipping the milkshake I'd brought her. We had a good time that day. Here, she had fallen asleep. I wish I had gotten one of her awake.
*Grandma hunted, but I don't think she liked it as much as fishing, she did it because Grandpa liked it.
*This is a picture of the things we made for her funeral, set up at the building where her wake was held. On the left you can see one of the folders on top of the sign in sheet that I later put into her book. The little wooden box is a memory box I put together of all the things she like (flowers, bingo, cowboys, etc).
*This picture was taken the day my parents got married, it is on the back cover of the folders.

Look To The Sky

2009-08-31T19:21:00.000-07:00

Sometimes in a busy day of work, Goddess sneaks up on you and leaves you breathless. And even a parking lot basks in beauty.

Photographic Lessons

2009-08-16T20:10:00.000-07:00

I am feeling somewhat random about this post. There isn't a whole lot that is spiritual happening in my life, but i am trying. This pretty picture of red leaves is a tree living outside the store I work at. One morning while waiting for my associate to arrive I noticed the sun making the leaves light up and took some pictures. The sun in this one was accidental, but made the picture. I don't like my job, but still there is beauty to be found if I am willing to pause and observe.

These gladiolas live in my mother's front yard. Every year they are a red orange, this year they are orange. I've noticed that flowers seem to do that. My mom's hiacynth has pink heads of flowers and purple heads of flowers on one bush.

I've always loved the way clouds look, so I snapped this one. Again while at work.

I do try to do regular religious stuff, particularly morning and night prayers. I keep the altar in a box and set it up. The doily is one I crocheted for Imbolc, it looks very nice on my altar. I have to remember to put it away when I am done, especially since I caught my cat trying to gnaw on Kwan Yin's head the other day. That can't be good.

This spider, whose picture I could only get with the flash (too blurry otherwise) keeps building epic webs ceiling to bush on the front porch. My mom knocks them down, and soon enough there is another. And that spider sits front and center, unafraid and determined to go on the way it thinks things should be. That's resilience, my friends.

Blessed be.

Solstice Pictures

2009-06-22T16:27:00.000-07:00

Here are the pictures I promised yesterday. This is the sunrise I witnessed from Caspar Beach. Okay, technically the sun had been up a little while before it cleared the hills and trees, but this is when I saw it.

My labyrinth in the sand. It was washed away before I left, but I got two walks out of it.

I decided to a little more drawing in the sand as I relaxed.

Later I returned to the beach to watch the sun set on the solstice. It was lovely to see.

Oh, and this house has little to do with the Solstice, but I have wanted to live in a dome house for a long time and I also thought one would make a cool pagan spirituality center. You can see this one from Mendocino.

There are the highlights of my trip. I am sad to be leaving today, and am already making plans for a return.

Blessings all,
Agate

Solstice Celebration

2009-06-21T18:02:00.000-07:00

I spent the morning on Caspar beach. I was there before six am and though the sky was light, the sun had yet to peek over the mountains. When it did, I confess I greeted it with the camera lens rather than a prayer, but I had other plans.

I parked myself at the farthest end of the beach and drew a labyrinth in the sand big enough to walk through. I set up a small altar and said a prayer from "Creating Circles and Ceremonies" by Oberon and Morning Glory Zell. At the labyrinth entrance I faced the sun and recited my Gratitude Prayer "Thank you Goddess, for the blessings you have bestowed upon me. For my creativity and desire, my family and friends, and for new discoveries and eeper explorations. I am truly blessed. Even in the dark there is your light." Then I turned and entered the labyrinth. In the center I recieved an affirmation and exited. I did it again a little while later. This time I recited the Kore Chant "Isis, Astarte, Diana, Hecate, Demeter, Kali, Inanna" over and over and once more while standing in the center. A feeling of peace swept over me. I recited the chant as I exited as well.

I decided to cleanse all the stones I had with me and set them up on the altar beneath the solstice sun for a while.

Eventually, the sea rose up and swept away my labyrinth, a little sooner than I expected, but she left behind a piece of mother of pearl clinging to a rock I used to mark a corner of the labrinth.

I plan to go back tonight and watch the sun set as well. Its the first itme in a while I have been able to fully celebrate a holiday. I miss being able to practice regularly. I just don't have a private space where I live right now. Hopefully, that will change in not too long. But for today I am grateful to celebrate in my most favorite place.

Oh, I have great pictures, but can't post them yet. Forgot to bring my camera recharger and the laptop sucks the life out of the camera. When I get back home I'll be able to show you what I saw.

2009-03-21T15:19:00.000-07:00

I hate being weepy in my posts, so I half regret my last post. On the other hand, feeling the way I did and writing it out did in a way help bring forward the things that have been bothering me. Now its time to move on, right?

On Thursday, before I had to leave my vacation, I made a final trip to Caspar Beach. I was still feeling very sad as I sat down on the sand. One thing I do a lot of while at the beach is talk to Goddess. Just a casual conversation, without poetry or formality, but I always feel particularly close to Her at those times. I drew a labyrinth in the sand, beacuse while I may not be able to walk a full size one, the act of creating a smaller version is very relaxing. After sitting there a while I decided my labyrinth needed to have a more permanent feel. Though I knew at the least it would be washed away with the tide that night, I sought out rocks, sea glass and shells to fill the walls of my labyrinth. I think it turned out very pretty and in a way became my equinox celebration.

I have decided that eventually, my goal is to live in this area. I think it is what I need to do once I am able.

Though I was still desperately sad to leave the Mendocino area, I left feeling closer to Goddess and ready to start this new part of my life.

In a holding pattern

2009-03-18T21:57:00.000-07:00

Last year I wrote that I was frozen in place, unable to move forward since my Dads death. I am ready ow, a decision I recently made. I am not entirely sure how, but I know I cannot live as I have been. I am unhappy, miserably so, I have just become good at pretending I am otherwise. That facade has begun to crumble.

Right now I am in a hotel room in Fort Bragg. It is my vacation and I am in my favorite area in the world, yet I have found myself crying often. Partly hormones, I am sure, but the fact is I dread having to go back to my life as it is, and that is the source of my tears. I don't want to go back to my Mother's house, or the town I grew up in, and especially not the job I work.

Here at the ocean I feel alive. I move more, walk more, there is so much beauty to see and now that I have a good digital camera, so much beauty to record. In Yuba City, there is nothing to see, no place worth walking to let alone recording. I think I could be happy here all the time, or at least as much as a human can be. I feel like this is home. Here I can feel Goddess nearby with no effort at all. She is everywhere around me. From the most majestic views...

To the smallest of creatures...

There is so much to see and discover. The sea is constantly changing everything around it, even me when I am here.

But the valley I live in is stagnant, it makes me feel stagnant.

I know it sounds as though I am whining, maybe I am, but I have been trapped, have trapped myself, for so long that I need to escape. I need to be here and for more than just a few days.

These pictures are among the two hundred I have taken this week (I love my new camera). Can you blame me for wanting to be among sights like this. I am inspired here. I even painted this week. I am not a painter, but they didn't turn out too bad.

I just want to be happy and creative. I want to praise Goddess and be in Her presence, feel Her presence, all of the time. I don't seem to have any of that anymore. The problem lies within me, I just have to figure out how to resolve it.

Blessings
Agate

In Memoriam~Lenard Shuman 1944-2007

2008-06-24T21:59:00.000-07:00

Today marks one year since my father died. I live in his house and sometimes still forget he is gone. There is always something Ineed to tell him or show him or make for him. Then I remember he is gone and nothing will ever be the same.

Lenard Alfred Shuman was born August 14, 1944 to Alma And Mervin Shuman. He had one brother Merle and they grew up Colusa, California.
Here he is at about 12 years old with more hair than I'll ever get to see on him. These early pictures we recently found on a trip to my grandmother's house. I don't think I'd ever seen him so young before.

My favorite pictures are from his Navy days. I think he looks like he could have been in those World War Two movies.
He's very handsome, and check out the cigarette. He quit smoking after my sister and I were born.
The two guys with him are Paul and Bill, I don't know anything else about them. He spent two years in the service. At his funeral there was a flag draped on his coffin. It sits, folded up in a case in our dining room now.

These are among my favorite pictures of the two of us. I was about two years old in both. Look at the two of us styling 70's. Don't you love the flip of my hair? How about the hirt Dad is wearing.

Pictures are about all I have left anymore. For sme reason I have difficulty remebering my childhood, which becomes harder and harder to stand as more of the people I love die. I want to remember more about him than what he looked like on his death bed, an image burned into my brain after staying beside him the thirteen hours it took for him to die that day. I'd rather remember him like this.

He was very funny, goofy and he drove my sister crazy with teasing.

Dad and I looked alike. I have his eyes and (unortunately) his hair. We were so different yet so alike. He was a Christian Republican and I a Progressive Pagan. Our views clashed so much. But we both loved Hobbies, lots of them, and we were firm in our beliefs. As much as he liked his life I think that he was always hoping that there was more. Just like me.

I miss him so much. My life has been in a holding pattern because for all the independence he taught me I still feel lost without my father there to help me up when I fall. I feel like child so often because I want my Daddy. Sometimes I am angry at him for being gone. Sometimes I worry that he was disappointed in me. Maybe I wasn't a good enough daughter.

I know he loved me and would hate to see me hurting so much, hate even more that I am frozen in place. I miss him so much.

I love you, Daddy.

Is anyone still reading?

2008-02-14T23:11:00.000-08:00

It's been awhile hasn't it? A lot happened since May. I got a new job, that I commute to. My Dad died during one very dramatic and painful Sunday in June. Then in October, not only to help my mom pay bills, but so Grandma wouldn't have to live alone anymore, she and I moved in with Mom and Erica, my sister. It's a three bedroom house. I sleep in the living room. But we are dealing with it all and seem to be adjusting.

I haven't done much of anything the past 7 months, except work. Not a lot of writing or crafting, though I manage to get a little in. I don't even get to see people very much, people as in friends, rather than acquaintances. But I am trying to get back in the groove.

I am writing in short bursts, carrying notepaper folded in my pocket during work hours, scribbling bits during breaks. Its not as much as I was doing before last June, but I'll get there.

ANd I found another charity to craft for. It's called The Preemie Project, I really liked making the preemie hats for Save the Children on 06' so I thought I would do it again. If nothing else, it may keep me from wallowing in my own grief and do something for someone with more immediate problems.

Probably the worst part of all these changes is the disconnect I have been feeling from my religion. No doubt, mind you, just a lack of space to practice. I have no privacy, no sacred space and the majority of my books and stuff is in storage. So I am seeking out ways to pick up my practice as best I can. I put an altar on the dashboard of my car where I do my morning prayer each day before my commute. I am finally putting together my Book of Shadows as well. Since I have little spiritual life lately, it makes it very hard to write about it, so my column with Mystic Witch has suffered as well. I intend to write about this vary fact for my next article. I guess the Solitary Witch now gets to learn to practice in new ways.

So I am back and plan on once again chronicling my life, whether or not anyone is around to read it.

Blessings to all,
Agate

Happy Beltane

2007-05-02T05:51:00.000-07:00

Ah, Spring in the Sacramento Valley. 50 degrees one day, 100 degrees the next. Winds that rip the pollen loose and rain that barely covers our needs. It has been an interesting spring this year. I am not looking forward to summer. The valley isn't pretty in the summer. Everything turns brown and crispy and no one goes outside for fear of being baked by the 100+ temperatures. Lots of wavy mirages created by the overabundance of asphalt though. Although by the end of summer the sunflower fields bloom and that's nice to see if you happen to drive past one. So much for that mythical perfect weather anyone outside of California thinks we have.

But I didn't come here today to complain about the weather. Nope, today I am thinking about the moon. Makes sense since there are two full moons this month. There is one today which I won't see tonight unless the clouds clear (we got drizzled on last night) and then there is a blue moon on the 31st.

I happened upon The Farmer's Almanac Astronomy page. They have an article about names for the full moons that are supposed to have come from the Native Americans, and since this I live in America, I thought it would be good to know these names as opposed to the celtic ones I so often see. We are currently in Full Flower Moon, because, that's right, there are lots of flowers (April showers bring May flowers), makes sense doesn't it.

On the same Astronomy page was a link to a site that allows you to find the moon phases for the past three hundred years. I was born during the New Moon in 1974, in fact, the New Moon was that day. I had wanted to know that, but wasn't sure, beyond finding an old calendar, how I would figure it out.

I've always been fascinated by the moon. We had a house when I was a teenager where the moon shone directly onto my bed and I could lay beneath its rays and I would feel a sense of peace. If the sky is clear tomorrow morning, I will be able to see it as I leave for work, but given how hot it has been already, I really hope it rains more.

Blessings,
Agate

Expanding my practice

2007-04-15T08:53:00.000-07:00

Through the 14 years I have been a witch my least favorite thing has been doing formal rituals. I often find that having to memorize and go through 'the motions" of creating a circle to feel more like acting, than religion. In college I was in theater, and many rituals seem to read like a play, say this, walk right, point there, etc. Not particularly inspiring. I realize that in a group this sort of thing is necessary to prevent chaos and confusion, but I'm a solitary and it just wasn't working for me.

But I want to do rituals, so I have had to alter how it is done. For example I like to dance my circle into creation. Except for music, it is silent. I do call the quarters, just without words. This I like, this feels spiritual for me. I speak later on, saying the Charge of the Goddess (which I do want to memorize) prayers, songs, chants, then I release the circle as I opened it, but going the other way around. It is a more spontaneous ritual, more creative in the moment, I only do basic planning beforehand.

So having found a method of ritual that feels spiritual, I want to do more. I want to become adept at the practice of ritual and get past the resistance I have had for them. I was thinking maybe one a week, but it will probably be more like once or twice a month, which, trust me, is way more than the once or twice a year I was doing. I did my first ritual Friday a week ago; a gratitude ritual after my father's surgery to remove his foot. We were worried he might not make it (he's had bunch of surgeries for an infection he had, is diabetic and on dialysis; the surgeries began in January, we're hoping this is it).

I bought a book yesterday, and it is on creating rituals. It is called Women's Rites, Women's Mysteries by Ruth Barrett.

I am eager to read it and see if I can put it to use. I wanted to get The Earth Path by Starhawk too, but I have got to be careful with what I spend, so maybe next time.

Blessings,
Agate

Practicing what we preach

2007-04-04T11:06:00.000-07:00

Did you know that Green Egg magazine has been reborn online? Their first issue has a beautiful 'cover' of a pheonix rising from the ashes. In it is one article in particular that I'd like to talk about here.

Michael R. Gorman, a druid out of Sacramento, wrote a piece called Our Pagan Elders. In it he criticizes the pagan 'community' and how we make no effort, do no work that requires any more time than it takes to type into our keyboards (my reduction of his topic). He's right. We do not really have a community. No place for people in need to go to, nowhere for people to get together that is our own, no way to really support each other. We throw a few good thoughts, a little postive energy, in someone's direction when they need help, when what they really need is a hand to hold or a place to stay, maybe even a little cash. We expect the leaders of our groups to do all the work without compensation (and yes, I mean cash, you ever try to live in this world for free, but Goddess forbid any one dare ask a little renumeration for their time). We search everywhere for the work of someone else that we can benefit from so we can crawl back into our closets and go back to our nice, safe lives.

I once tried to create a pagan newsletter. After a local church began an effort to shut down a pagan store, I thought I'd try and bring our local pagans together. I did manage to find a partner, but when I asked for submissions from the public I recieved one letter and a picture in almost a year of publishing. By the way, this was a free publication, I covered the cost and asked for no money, only participation. Nothing. No one cared enough. Oh sure, they were happy to pick up the newsletter, but no one wanted to participate. Apathy runs rampant in the pagan community. How sad is that?

I would love to create a community center, not here in Yuba City, I don't actually like this town, but wherever I eventually end up, I'd love to create a place where people from any tradition could come, teach lessons, share art, and meet each other in the flesh rather than over a computer. But would I find anyone who wanted to help? Would anyone volunteer to do things there? Or would they be too busy pretending they are as mundane as their Christian neighbors?

I read so many self-righteous comments online from pagans as they proclaim their superiority over that other religion, yet how are we better? We don't support our leaders, we don't educate our children (I've met pagans who raise their children as Christians), we don't support those who are needy among us (either with personal or monetary support), we don't do anything that requires any real effort beyond sitting on our butts in front of a computer screen.

Are you going to argue it? "But I did this-once." I know, I don't think I have done enough, but if no one else is willing to try, how much can one person accomplish? Not a great deal. A community is not created by one person, that would be a cult. You need many people, working together towards a common goal, to have a community. The computer may have connected us across land mass and oceans, but that is all it has done.

Blessings,
Agate

Merry Meet

2007-03-28T11:19:00.000-07:00

There may be a few people for whom this blog sounds familiar. I did have a blog before called Agate's Cave that I kept for a little while. But I had a great deal of trouble trying to post on it because every time I tried to publish a carefully written post I got kicked off the web. May have been my computer's fault or my provider, but whatever the reason, I got frustrated and gave up. Now I don't remember the password to get back onto it, so here is Agate's Pen.

I have been a witch (based upon Wicca as I learned it from Scott Cunningham's books) since 1993. I am eclectic with definite Dianic leanings, but I practice no specific tradition. I am a creative witch. Most of my practices include the making of something, from a poem or prayer, to a crocheted or embroidered item and in this way I connect with Goddess.

I am a solitary practitioner although my best friend, Kindra and I often try to celebrate the holidays together in some way, especially the past year or so as her four year old daughter Visha has gotten old enough to begin participating.

I am a writer and have a regular column on MysticWitch although lately I have been writing a story serial for that zine.

For this blog I am going to refrain from the complaining I seemed to be doing a lot of in my last blog and focus on my learning and successes in my life. I've been trying to make a lot of changes and one of those is to find the positivity in my life. Several years back I suffered a deep depression that led to thoughts of suicide and while I don't want to kill myself anymore, I often still find myself in those bouts of depression so forgive any lapses I have.

One of the things I am doing to improve myself is to write as much as possible and not just in stories or articles. I have two blogs, the other is about my forays into the craft world. I mostly crochet, but also do embroidery and cross stitch and just last week taught myself how to spin yarn. I am very excited about that.

I am considering the possibility of posting some of my other writing here as well. Maybe things that have been published in the past.

Well, that's what I have for you right now. I've been trying to post to my other blog at least once a week and will do the same for this one.

Blessings,
Agate