I hate being weepy in my posts, so I half regret my last post. On the other hand, feeling the way I did and writing it out did in a way help bring forward the things that have been bothering me. Now its time to move on, right?

On Thursday, before I had to leave my vacation, I made a final trip to Caspar Beach. I was still feeling very sad as I sat down on the sand. One thing I do a lot of while at the beach is talk to Goddess. Just a casual conversation, without poetry or formality, but I always feel particularly close to Her at those times. I drew a labyrinth in the sand, beacuse while I may not be able to walk a full size one, the act of creating a smaller version is very relaxing. After sitting there a while I decided my labyrinth needed to have a more permanent feel. Though I knew at the least it would be washed away with the tide that night, I sought out rocks, sea glass and shells to fill the walls of my labyrinth. I think it turned out very pretty and in a way became my equinox celebration.

I have decided that eventually, my goal is to live in this area. I think it is what I need to do once I am able.

Though I was still desperately sad to leave the Mendocino area, I left feeling closer to Goddess and ready to start this new part of my life.

In a holding pattern

Last year I wrote that I was frozen in place, unable to move forward since my Dads death. I am ready ow, a decision I recently made. I am not entirely sure how, but I know I cannot live as I have been. I am unhappy, miserably so, I have just become good at pretending I am otherwise. That facade has begun to crumble.



Right now I am in a hotel room in Fort Bragg. It is my vacation and I am in my favorite area in the world, yet I have found myself crying often. Partly hormones, I am sure, but the fact is I dread having to go back to my life as it is, and that is the source of my tears. I don't want to go back to my Mother's house, or the town I grew up in, and especially not the job I work.



Here at the ocean I feel alive. I move more, walk more, there is so much beauty to see and now that I have a good digital camera, so much beauty to record. In Yuba City, there is nothing to see, no place worth walking to let alone recording. I think I could be happy here all the time, or at least as much as a human can be. I feel like this is home. Here I can feel Goddess nearby with no effort at all. She is everywhere around me. From the most majestic views...



To the smallest of creatures...



There is so much to see and discover. The sea is constantly changing everything around it, even me when I am here.



But the valley I live in is stagnant, it makes me feel stagnant.

I know it sounds as though I am whining, maybe I am, but I have been trapped, have trapped myself, for so long that I need to escape. I need to be here and for more than just a few days.



These pictures are among the two hundred I have taken this week (I love my new camera). Can you blame me for wanting to be among sights like this. I am inspired here. I even painted this week. I am not a painter, but they didn't turn out too bad.



I just want to be happy and creative. I want to praise Goddess and be in Her presence, feel Her presence, all of the time. I don't seem to have any of that anymore. The problem lies within me, I just have to figure out how to resolve it.

Blessings
Agate